Lockdown has taught me that I’m thick as sh*t! In the words of a song from the musical Rent, it took me ‘Five hundred, twenty-five thousand, six hundred minutes’ to work out the answer to one of the 7-year old’s math’s questions. I’m seriously questioning how I’ve managed to get away with being this thick for so long.
My brain cells have rapidly depleted in lockdown. ‘What day is it again? What bins go out? No idea, f**k it, put them all out. Have we already had lunch? What’s for dinner? No, you can’t have another snack! Yes, I know my roots are bad. WHAT…the dishwasher needs to be emptied again? If you drop that pencil one more time I’m seriously going to lose my sh*t. Nope, still can’t get a delivery slot. What you ordered from Amazon now? God knows! Oh yeah, I forgot I ordered that. Is it clapping day today?’
The 24/7 with the family and the continual use of the word ‘Mummy’ has me constantly dreaming of doing a ‘Forest’ and just running away, but a) I’m too bloody lazy and b) Forest ended up with thousands following which wouldn’t be great for social distancing and c) the constant changing of roads to avoid people would get right on my t*ts.
And talking about getting right on my t*ts, why the hell has nothing been written about periods? Periods at the best of times are an absolute nightmare, but pre lockdown our families weren’t constantly in our face, therefore those ‘urge to punch’ moments could be managed……. but now? In my opinion, all ladies in lockdown deserve a medal for not committing ABH over the breakfast table. Although watch this space because my husbands’ “Ohhhhhh that explains it” every time he sees the Tampax box in the bathroom, has me sizing him up most days so I can work out how many pieces of decking I need to remove to put him under there!
I’ll tell you though who pips my husband to the number one spot on the annoying poll – celebrities!!! Celebrities and their lockdown ‘selfies’. We don’t want to see your pointless pouting, make up perfect, yoga posed, photo-shopped selfies that have taken you all day to perfect – give us the reality! Show us your hairy legs, your tash, mole hair, your grey roots, your elasticated waistband, your kids still in their PJ’s at 3pm, your high pile of ironing, your empty take away containers, your ever increasing gin collection, your bulging snack cupboard…the list is endless!!! Make the rest of us feel that it’s ok that we’re looking and feeling like fat, hairy, jogging bottomed, brain dead, alcoholic slobs.
On the subject of snack cupboards this is the only cupboard in my house that is permanently stocked!! I go to Sainsbury’s for my weekly shop, sweating buckets wearing an old manky builders mask and hang out in the biscuit aisle spending approximately £250 a week on Freddo’s, Kitkats, Penguins, Crisps, Chocolate biscuits and Pringles. At the start of lockdown it was the meat and loo roll aisle that was the most congested and you spent forever loitering at the top waiting for it to thin out, but now it’s the snack aisle that carries the most risk as you desperately try to social distance whilst reaching for the custard creams. If COVID doesn’t get me, the Freddo diet most certainly will!
I know I’m moaning about lockdown but genuinely there have been some lovely moments. As a working mum I’ve constantly missed my children’s milestones and achievements but I’ve had the absolute privilege to experience them and see them grow during the last 3 months.
The mother’s guilt has slightly decreased, and the cuddles ‘on tap’ have been priceless. I’ve spoken to people in my street that I’ve never spoken to before and a lovely community spirt has emerged that was previously lacking in such a big City. I know I’m coming out of this lockdown with an extra 2 stone of weight, an addiction to sugar and gin, a massive pile of ironing and potentially a divorce (depending on what time of the month it is) but the reality is….I am (all being well) coming out of this lockdown. There are some families who won’t be and some who will come out of this having had their lives changed forever.
A down day, a row over homeschooling, boredom, periods, moaning – this can all be managed for just a bit longer before we return to the busy, crazy lives we used to moan about previously ❤️